HOLIDAY FRUIT CAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again.  To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still OK.  Cry another tup.  Turn off the mixerer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the   beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?  Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.  Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.