A sampling of actual statements from patient interviews, written by various paramedics, nurses, E.R. receptionists, and even a doctor or two:

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of the patient's genitalia reveals the he is circus sized.

The skin felt moist and dry.

The patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area, and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

The lab tests indicated abnormal lover function.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man had no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.