Basic rules for cats who have a house to run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a CHAIR QUICKLY.  If you cannot manage a chair in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened,  stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not  necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door open, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.  This is particularly  important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season.

3. Guests: Quickly determine which guests hates cats the most. Sit  on that lap. If you can arrange for a particularly bad "tuna breath" so much the better.
       For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color that contrasts well with your fur.  For example: white furred cats go well with black wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
       For the guest who exclaims, "I LOVE kitties!" -- be aloof and disdain,  apply claws to stockings or arm, or use a quick nip at an ankle.
       When walking among the dishes at the dinner table, be prepared  to look surprised and then hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this kind of behavior when company is not there.
       Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.

4: WORK: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other one is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for  hampering...
       When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the  cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
       For telephone conversations, rub up against the phone; (or at least the humans leg) ands meow loudly and insistently, all the while pacing back and forth.
       For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. Works well with  newspapers too.       For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most  appropriate manner so as to obscure much of the work or at least the most  important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try to distract you. Ignore it... Remember, the aim is to hamper the work.

5: PLAY: This is most important.  Get enough sleep in the daytime so  you are fresh for playing Catch -the - mouse or King -of -the -Hill on the humans bed between 2:00 and 4:00 AM
       Begin people training EARLY.  You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They CAN be taught, if you start  EARLY and be CONSISTENT.