PLEASE IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it.  (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around.  It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice, if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.   It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other  side.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SCHOOL BULLY VIRUS: Steals the Nike virus at gun point.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you several bills totaling $4,500.