Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.  To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.  No further testing is planned."

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

   When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

   You don't need to, there's a clock on the oven!

Why do men fart more than women?

   Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

   Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

   The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what?  I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"

   The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

     None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

     A woman that won't do what she's told!

How many women does it take to paint a wall?

   It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

   Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

     I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

     I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months;  I don't like to interrupt her.